Everything started at my friend's house during a brief visit. I got startled, didn't cry of course but was mostly in shock! It was a simple question.. "how many kids do you want?", "I think, I'm done.. I want to further my studies..".. maybe I should start calling her Dr. :P She has 3 kids and I've got 5, still pondering whether I should have more.
One my way home and the rest of the night, I was in total silence, which is so unlike me. I remember pursuing my studies when I was pregnant my second child. I had to quit because of the morning sickness.. I just couldn't do it... The plan was to do it with my husband.. something happened, I had to do it alone.. I wish I had the courage.
Finally, I blurted it out. My husband was all ears. I never regretted quitting my job but the way my friend said it made me wonder whether I'm ever gonna have my time thinking of my own ambition, my plan and my education. He never really stop me from doing anything.. he never really asked me to quit my job. It was my own decision due to my inabilities to juggle between me, my kids and the traffic jam.
In fact, before I started falling in love with him, I made it clear that I was never gonna quit my job as I want the financial security if anything ever happens to my husband. Before our wedding, I made him promise to leave my career in my own hands. He agreed to marry me, a feminist. Somehow things changed..
It took me a long time to decide what I decided. I asked for a transfer and promised myself to give another 3 years in service before making the decision. I spent 2 glorious years teaching full time without any other responsibilities.. pretending that I don't even know how to use Microsoft Excel or Microsoft Word. The plan worked well! At the same time, I asked around how it feels like to be a full time mom.
A friend of mine did asked me this, "if you are willing to be alone, less friends as you're not gonna meet as much people as you used to, do it!". I'm a people person, I'll die if I don't meet people. When I was in college, I got really lonely when my room mates were gone after exam and I was stuck there as my exam was not over yet. But everything changed when I know it was time to let go.
At times I do get lonely. At times I do feel trapped. Most of the time, I do get hurt especially when I end up having to clean up the mess and my kids just watch me doing everything and only help when I insist and start whining. I learnt to nag and nag and start hating myself but deep down in my heart.. I am happy.. doing everything for my family because once my kids are all grown up.. I'll have all the time in the world and at that time.. I'll just wish I could turn back the clock to see my kids before my eyes again..
Me? A Full Time Mom?
