I love you.. I love all of you..

I met a friend this morning.. she had just lost her father last week. I really didn't know how to react, but as a friend, sadness should be shared. I held her hand and prayed that she is granted with all the strength to move on. She tried to smile but I could see tears in her eyes.

She told me her pledge made last year, to make her 'balik kampung' trip at least once a month. It's January and she started her trip only to visit her father for the last time. She asked me how often I visit my own father.. I stammered.. sometimes my dad is the one visiting us when we prioritise other things than him.

I've been thinking a lot about death.. the loved ones who will miss me.. and the loved ones who leave to be missed. when a friend lost her husband, my other friend told me.. it's a matter of time.. it will happen to everyone. I got really scared just thinking about it.

Every morning, before my husband leaves for work, it has become a habit for the whole family to recite 3 prayers.. no matter how angry i am during our cold war, i certainly forgive him and forgive myself for whatever wrongdoings that caused it.

At times of anger, my children did turned away when they kissed me.. sometimes they even avoid kissing me.. i try to understand that they do need some time to cool down though it hurts so bad without realizing that they must have learnt that from me. At times of my own anger, i did give them the cold shoulder, stiffing myself when they hug me and normally regret later and wonder what will happen if that's the last time i ever see them.

I'm just among the lucky ones to still have my parents.. I have never lost anyone in my nucleus family. Everytime i have parental issues with my kids, i will reminisce the things that i did to my own parents which i know very painful. I understand now that the pain that i caused them is very much similar to the ones caused by my own kids out of just facial expressions and gestures. I dare not confess this to my parents in case they have forgotten the things that i did and the confession will remind them how hurt they were in facing the challenge in raising me.

I've been telling my kids again and again that whatever happens to me.. i always forgive them and ask them to pray for me as nothing is more valuable than the prayers of our children..

so here i am, making a pledge to seek forgiveness from everyone and appreciate them while they are still here.. i love you.. and forgive me for any pain that i may have caused...

I love you.. I love all of you..