Friday, May 29, 2009

Hairdresser from Hell!

Today is my 12th wedding anniversary, thought of giving Azly a surprise.. but what a surprise..

The explanation was just so clear, give a fringe, the front part of my hair should be shoulder-length, the rest of the hair should be layered... saya faham! @#*@!!

When she first cut my hair, she asked me to confirm, it was about 2 inches to be cut.. when she started layering my hair.. it started to get shorter and shorter.. I was thinking of 'Rachel from Friends' layer..

By the time she had her third snip, I did mentioned that it was a bit too short.. "Tak, dia kena ada step dia.. saya pilih fashion yang cantik sekali'. At that point, I should have gotten up and leave but no..

But the time she finished, I asked her about my fringe.. she said, my forehead is a bit small.. there's no need for a fringe..

The minute I tied my hair.. I realized that it was way shorter that 2 inches trim.. Never in my life would I trust hairdresser..

The truth is they want to see hair the way they define beauty.. and let us pay for that!
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Everything against Me? Or is it me?

It has been a long week since last week.. Tried really hard to be positive but I really think that everything is against me!

It all started last week when Azly went to Bali. Luckily Nani, my sister in law is here to help me with my baking.. 600 wedding favors, 4 pieces of marble shortbread each.. which total up to 2,400 pieces, divided by 144 per tray, so I have to bake 16.7777 trays or marble shortbread. Another 500 pieces of traditional sampret for the groom's family. That will be another 3.333 big trays of sampret.

Initially, it was supposed to be chocolate cupcakes.. 600 cupcakes will take only 1 day to bake.. another day to pack.. but Nani has her practicum and there's no way I can bake the cakes that early compared to cookies.. Should have followed my instinct and do choc chip cookies instead of marble.. 'cari penyakit!'. Itu sebenarnya!

To make things worse.. the kids were having their exam. The problem is not those who are taking exam, it's the other 2 who are really bored, while waiting for their brother and sister revising.

Honestly, I don't know whether it's the fact that they miss their father, or the exam woes, or craving for my attention as I spent more time baking.. or is it just an exam for me; whether I can tame my temper in front of the audience i.e Maksu Nani. I don't really care to know about the reason, but what worries me is the fact that I could lose my temper and do things that I regret.

This afternoon was IT. Haziq really tested me.. As soon as he woke up from his nap, he had this looonngg face without any reason. Oddly enough the expression reminds me of Nabil from school. Is he trying to test my patience as Nabil tested this afternoon during my English, it was a big mistake, I scolded Nabil this afternoon after weeks of patience! True enough, my patience was thinning and when he refused to wear his shoes, I pulled his ear from the porch into the car after 5 whips of cane (of course it was not that hard! I recited A'uzubillah and bismillah before I caned him, in case it was not my temper the the temptation of satans near my ears). We were really late to fetch Naufal and Nurul from school and I really didn't want them to go running around the school.

I ignored him completely.. he cried.. (of course he cried)..
The minute we came back from school, it was time to play outside.. All of a sudden, he was all cheerful while I still feel bitter.. bitter because I had to punish him when it was not necessary if only he did not try that hard to annoy me. I can't blame myself, can I?

He had to apologize before he could go out. I simply asked him why.. he could not even think of a reason for his misbehaviour. I asked him whether he was trying to immitate Nabil and he nodded.. We shook hands but we didn't make up.. After he played outside, he kissed me.. and I wonder why..

6.57p.m
27 May 2009
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Taatlah Pada Suami (Tapi Ingatlah! Orang Lain Pun Kena Taat Suami Jugak!)

Sebagai seorang muslimah, mentaati suami tu satu kewajipan bagi isteri, selagi suami tidak menyuruh melakukan yang haram.

Seronok juga bila dengar isteri-isteri yang memang taat pada suami, sampai terpaksa mengorbankan perasaan dan hati sendiri demi mendapat keredhaan Allah. Macam-macam cerita tentang apa yang tak diizinkan suami. Kadang-kadang terdengar juga isteri yang merengek-rengek minta diizinkan naik ke pentas untuk menyanyi demi mendapat kebenaran suami. Tak kurang juga yang taat pada suami sehingga orang lain terpaksa mengikut rentak suaminya pula. "Suami tak bagi keluar tengahari, boleh tak kita pergi shopping petang sikit?, suami you tak kisah kan?"

Ada kalanya.. larangan suami yang 'standard' biasalah.. Tak boleh keluar sorang-sorang, tak boleh makan berdua-duaan dengan rakan sekerja berlainan jantina, balik sebelum maghrib dan larangan-larangan biasa yang kita dengar.

Kadang-kadang, ada juga rakan-rakan yang berkongsi cerita dengan larangan-larangan yang pelik-pelik tapi kita hanya boleh menghormatinya tanpa perlu memahami kenapa larangan tersebut dikeluarkan kerana sang suami sahajalah yang faham kenapa.

Teringat kawan-kawan yang tidak memahami kenapa suami saya tidak mengizinkan saya berniaga kek. Rugi rasanya tidak berniaga apa agak mudah mendapat 'sales' lebih seribu ringgit tanpa sebarang promosi pemasaran tetapi sekadar melayani permintaan rakan-rakan rapat. Memang semasa berniaga dulu pun, saya tidak menggalakkan kawan-kawan memberitahu kawan-kawan mereka yang lain. Takut-takut tak menang tangan untuk mengambil tempahan.

Satu hari, saya bertanya suami, apa yang sebenarnya membuatkan dia membuat keputusan sedemikian. Jawapannya mudah.. DIA TIDAK SUKA SAYA STRESS.. Terasa macam Incredible Hulk la pulak masa tu.. "You really don't like it when I'm angry".

Sebenarnya saya memang suka memasak. Memasak adalah seperti terapi yang boleh menjana wang.. tetapi saya memang tidak pandai menolak. Saya tidak boleh didesak-desak. Saya tak sampai hati.

Pernah suatu ketika dahulu, sedang saya berhempas pulas menyiapkan tempahan 'cupcake' jiran yang telah menempah 2 minggu awal, seorang rakan menelefon tengahari itu untuk menempah satu kek. Saya menolak berkali-kali. Tapi setelah dipujuk dan didesak, akhirnya saya mengalah.

Apabila siap saya membakar kek tersebut, telefon berbunyi lagi, kali ini rakan yang sama meminta untuk menambah lagi satu kek yang sama.. Saya terpaksa menolak. Alasan saya, saya sudah pun siap membakar, jika dia beritau awal, bolehlah saya membakar kedua-duanya sekali. Dia bermati-matian meminta saya buatkan jugak, katanya bosnya yang menempah. Saya terpaksa akur. Saya hampir tidak tidur malam itu dan saya 'stress' dan mengomel panjang pada suami. Sebenarnya saya marahkan diri sendiri kerana tidak pandai menolak.

Suami saya mengambil keputusan untuk menggunakan kuasa vetonya dan berakhirlah kerjaya saya sebagai penjual kek. Saya menurut walaupun pada masa itu, saya tidak diberitahu kenapa dia tidak mengizinkan saya berniaga. Setelah hati saya sejuk hampir setengah tahun selepas itu, barulah saya bertanya.

Sampai sekarang, saya masih lagi mendapat permintaan dari rakan-rakan untuk mengadakan kelas memasak.. saya enggan walaupun saya tau, suami saya tidaklah menghalang jika kena gayanya tetapi tidak berbaloi untuk saya membuat amal jariah jika pada masa yang sama tidak mendapat keredhaan suami.

"Sorryla ya.. minta maaf banyak-banyak! Bila suami dah tak berapa suka saya 'baking' ni, saya tak berani la nak buat kelas masak". Saya beriya-iya mencadangkan kelas-kelas masak yang bersepah-sepah di Kajang dan Bangi.. Yang sedihnya.. "Takpelah ya! Bila suami dah bagi greenlight, bagitahulah ya, nanti saya datang belajar!" ???!!???

2.20a.m
May 20, 2009.
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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Thank You Allah.. for everything..

Still waiting for my timer to buzz.. Honestly.. I don't really feel like baking.. Been tired all the time.. But then, we just came back from 'kampung'and really really broke.. especially after the shopping spree in Nilai, a trip to 'kampung' with the new railing installation and plenty of last minute decision in preparation for my sister's wedding..

So, today.. my way of relaxing is by baking.. about 36 RM10 cakes to be sold tomorrow. As I took my break... I prayed my zohor prayer.. somehow I just feel touched and my eyes immediately filled with tears..

Even since I passed my first trimester, my morning sickness subsided. That was then, I forgot bit by bit.. my zikr that I normally recite during those times of morning sickness.. I was too tired to do anything.. didn't even feel like watching tv or do anything.. so.. I recited prayers and zikr in search of tranquility..

How easy we forget Allah when we are not in pain.. Astaghfirullah..

Will He ever forgive us for forgetting him?
Will He remember us.. after we keep on drifting away from him?
Will He accept our repentance after we keep on doing the same sins again and again?

I never believed that I can bake now.. It all started after the birth of my third child..2003. I attended baking classes during the afternoon, after school or even weekends just to cater to my expensive taste of chocolate cakes, cookies and cheese cakes. By the end of the year.. my friends insisted that they want to buy my cookies despite the recipes that I shared with them..

Then, few years later, especially when we bought our house, only I realized that baking was another gift from Allah.. My 'rezeki' is in a form of my skill.. Allah knew that life was going to be tough.. so He provided ample time .. the knowledge as well as the time to practice the knowledge I required.. as well as the in-waiting customers; most of my supportive friends who never complained about being the tester to my burnt cookies and loopsided cakes.

I remember those times when we had so little money that we had to depend on the sales of the cakes to buy groceries.. There were times that there were only RM10.00 in my purse with none left in my account. There will always be cake order whenever we needed money.. Alhamdulillah.. we were never hungry..

It was stressful not to have money in case of emergency.. but knowing that there would always be cake orders from friends... I felt at ease..

Thank you Allah.. only you know how grateful I am for what you have given me..

Ya Allah.. ampunilah dosaku ya Allah.. kerana sentiasa melupakanMu. Berilah aku istiqamah ya Allah agar sentiasa mengingatiMu, agar sentiasa mensyukuri nikmatMu. Janganlah kau palingkan rahmatMu dariku atas kelalaianku mengingatiMu. Kau berikanlah nikmat dalam mengingatiMu ya Allah.. Kau berikanlah aku hidayah ya Allah.. Amin amin ya rabbal alamim..
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Trying to be a Perfect Mom? Don't Try too Hard..

Mother's Day has just passed.. Often we think about our own mother on that day rather than thinking about ourself as a mother..

It's a mixed feeling everytime .. We regret the things that we did to our mother and wish we acted differently.. We kept on giving excuses on our actions. We kept on saying that we were just so young to understand the sacrifice.. the hardwork of our mother.. until we become mothers ourselves..

I remember the grudges I had against my mother that lasted for years.. I am among the lucky ones who still have my mother to make up things that I did when I was a teenager.. I remember being angry at my mother for a very very long time before I slowly learnt that it was leading nowhere but pain...

I remember those things that I did that clearly and purposely done to hurt my mother and try really hard to mend it.. It's difficult, I admit, as I will never open up to her the things that I regret (in case she already forgotten about it.. and I really don't want to remind her of those memories). Every raya, I can't even finished what I planned to say.. I'll start crying and pray that she will forgive everything wrongdoing that I've done.

Years have passed and I still have regrets! Regrets on the things that could have been different if only I think before I do things.. Ironically.. I know.. the regrets are mutual.. Deep down inside me, I think she has some regrets too... as a mother..

Sometimes, she will tell us how lucky we are now as there are many parenting books available and how she wishes that the books are there during her time.. She will sometimes be so defensive and come with all sorts of reasons when she sees me doing the same thing that she did to us when we were small... And most importantly.. she shows us the things that she would have done in the past by doing it with her grandchildren.. (things that she never did to us when we were small).. and each time she shows any hint of regret.. I'll let her know how great she is as a mother! and now, it is my turn.. with my kids..

I always promise myself that I'll be a good mother.. A mother who is perfect for her kids.. adored and loved by her kids.. but being human means to make errors.. you can read tonnes of books on parenting and educate ourselves with the knowledge required.. but do remember, we can just try our best.. The way we react will depend on a lot of things.. surrounding.. environment.. your children's reaction.. their own crisis in life.. which is not stated exactly in parenting books.

I pray to Allah.. to be loved unconditionally and forgiven by my kids even when I fail to be as perfect as they want me to be..

Hopefully.. if we follow the basic rules of Islam.. the ways that Allah shows us in Al-Quran and Hadith.. we will be the best parents for our kids.. insyaallah..
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Monday, April 27, 2009

A Trip to the Hypnotist..

Being a believer in alternative treatment has brought me to accompany my grandma to a hynotist.. yup here in Kajang.. It was my auntie and my dad who took her there. On the third session, I decided to have a look..

It was 1984 since my grandpa passed away.. My grandma's love towards him is just so great that she can never forget him. Always in her handbag is a black and white photo of them.. my grandma and grampa together, crumpled and battered. It is her love for him that caused her to suffer from depression. It has been on and off since his death but it's the worst now..

Surely she is on medication.. but the latest effort was to the hynotist.. When she entered the room with Nabila (the practitioner), we could hear soft music and Nabila trying to console her telling her that everything is from Allah. I wish I could hear everything but then.. it is supposed to be private, of course..

At the end of the session, Nabila explained about Alpha Mind.. where we are in our subconscious mind.. and somehow.. she lead my grandma to use the power of her mind to channel all her negative thoughts into a light bulp. After numerous attempts, and saying "Aku redha ya Allah", "Aku bahagia, ya Allah" again and again, she managed to break a tile using the light bulb. We cheered for her while Nabila kept on saying that she is okay now.. she is healed..

I was really amazed and wonder whether I should try the treatment.. But then, I am not willing to sacrifice a whole lot of money. I somehow remember the book I borrowed from my dad years and years ago "You are What You Believe" by Sharizat. It was a national bestseller then..

Sharizat did mention in her book that all of us have the control to our mind and explained the difference between conscous mind and subconscious mind.

One huge difference is that.. when we are in our conscious mind... we wil be able to reject certain information that we do not want to believe.. If I say "You are stupid", I am sure you will deny this! Oddly enough.. if you say it too often, your mind will transfer the information to your subconscious mind; which will believe whatever information received.. That scares the hell out of me..

I remember when I was still teaching, there will be a lot of parents saying to me during report card day ceremony "Anak saya ni lembab sikit cikgu, malas pulak tu..". Everytime I heard that i'll say "astaghfirullah.."... I wonder if they have said it too often that the children believe them.. Na'uzibillah.. I'm just glad my mom never said that.. she's say "anak bertuah" instead..


We Malays do believe that if you say anything for more than 40 times, it will be a prayer and will be granted.. Of course, when you say anything long enough, you will tend to believe and your mind will make your body works towards it!

I do believe in positive affirmation... I always try to convince myself.. I am a good mother, I am a good cook, I am brave and confident.. I've convinced myself so much that I believe it! After this.. I'm going to have even a longer list of positive affirmation.. hide it somewhere for my eyes only!
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Monday, April 13, 2009

The Art of Forgiving

In 2007, I had a big fight with a really good friend. It was my mistake.. I was really unhappy about her that i wrote a long sms about her to my husband in hope for calming myself. I was relief after i expressed my dissatisfaction to my husband. Two days later only i realized that i didn't send the sms to my husband, i sent it to her instead.

That was the end of the relationship. Regret? Who doesn't regret a huge mistake like that? I apologized and apologized but i know there was no way she could ever forgive me. She told me her reasons. She said she really thought that i was a genuine sincere friend, until that day.. I lost a good friend..

I had no choice. I left her alone, trying to give her some time to forgive me. Nothing happened. She avoided me completely, refusing to even look at me. She told me she would start crying if she ever did.. and i know it was time... to let go.

I hold on to all great memories we had together... and i forgive her for not forgiving me.. and the most important thing is.. i forgive myself for making such terrible mistake in my life.. Sounds like i don't really care but i do.. I just don't want to regret things that i can never change.. There is no such thing as "what if?". With that i have a piece of mind...

I pray that one day, she will find the art of forgiveness and have peace in her heart for forgiving is not meant for others only. I believe, Allah wants us to forgive and He gives peace to both those who forgive and forgiven..

So, this is my positive affirmation everytime i feel reaally down..

I forgive you for hurting me and I forgive myself for hurting others and I forgive myself for all the mistakes that I have done!


Try it! It'll work wonders!
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